Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
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I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Good point.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Roses are red
Violets are blue
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.