MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
You Might Also Like
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.