kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
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Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
i hate you platonically
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby