Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
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it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?