Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
You Might Also Like
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.