[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
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I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
The fall of Netflix
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
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Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
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[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
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We’ve done this four times now.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.