When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
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*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.