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My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?