Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
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If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.