I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
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my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?