Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
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I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Raisins are grape jerky.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.