Roses are red, you always mattered,
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In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die