Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
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You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?