Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
You Might Also Like
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.