What
You Might Also Like
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
i hope my email finds you on fire
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
I beg your pardon?
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.