5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
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Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
I only eat vegetarians.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.