We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
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How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!