Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
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Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda