Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
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[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”