Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
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i have one speed and it’s mosey
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.