Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
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shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”