shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
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The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.