Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
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Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams