Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
You Might Also Like
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.