[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
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Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
#MeanwhileInCanada
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.