My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
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[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
classic mixup
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Don’t talk down to me
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet