i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
You Might Also Like
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??