she would like to bark at the manager, please.
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You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.