2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
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So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.