[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
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Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon