The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
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As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
I’m putting together a team
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic