Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
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I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter