Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
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The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.