*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
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My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.