a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
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Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity