KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
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When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?