I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
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Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
can’t bark with your mouth full
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.