KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
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[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
im 7 sauces long
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this