My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
You Might Also Like
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
I can’t be the only one 😂
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.