“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
You Might Also Like
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?