Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
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that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth