the only organized thing in my life is crime
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* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Day 2 of my diet
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
👾👾👾
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.