“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
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waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks