Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
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If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Perfect.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph