“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
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my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.