ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
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There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*