Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
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Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes