[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
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American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Smooooooth