My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
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Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C