[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
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Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
This is true.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
S O O N
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
new shirt idea
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I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Taco Bell, Exit 22
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
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I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.